does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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