thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
