I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
