My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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