My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
