That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
