I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
