so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
