Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
