so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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