I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
