Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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