is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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