i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
