he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
