totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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