Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
why is half of my head shaved?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
