I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
