Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
