just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
