Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
