We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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