i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
