god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
