I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
