he was CRYING into my vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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