She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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