she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
