Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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