I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
