Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
