Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
