I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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