My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
