he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This house was built for laser tag.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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