Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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