Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
