Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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