My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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