The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
