if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
