And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
babies were throwing up all over the place
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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