My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
