its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
