glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
