Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
