She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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