Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
