If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
