I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
