the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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